then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
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who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
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I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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