she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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