You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize