So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize