The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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