I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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