4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize