I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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