I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
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Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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