I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
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Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
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I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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