tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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