I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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