I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
