I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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