i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
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