I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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