he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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