Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
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I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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