Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
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He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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