Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
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you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
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I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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