I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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