There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
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I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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