I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
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i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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