I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
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I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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