I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
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she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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