I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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