I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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