Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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