my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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