Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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