Sober January is a disaster.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
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I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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