we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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