I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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