wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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