I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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