tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
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The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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