How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
