I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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