but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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