You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Banned from zoo.
Again?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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