I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
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I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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