Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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