wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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