My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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