So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
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We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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