eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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