Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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