I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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