my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
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The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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