I accidentally burped into my bong.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
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There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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